Peacemaking for Power: Mediating Your Divorce

The cacophony of emotions is deafening when going through a divorce or custody dispute. Anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, confusion.

Often the result is unsatisfying no matter the outcome as there is not a clearly defined winner and loser. Instead the litmus test of family court is often who just lost less as both parties have lost something in the process.

What if rather than a fear-based process of reacting to the turmoil, the couple was able to participate in a process innately infused with peace? Mediation is a method in which parties are able to come to the table to isolate and discuss disputed issues. The mediator’s job is to facilitate options and alternatives so that the couple reaches a consensual settlement that will accommodate their needs.

The benefits of mediation are numerous. Mediators enable couples to communicate their requests and concerns so that all parties feel heard. Mediators help couples clarify, negotiate, problem-solve, and make all the necessary decisions that result in a fair divorce settlement. Couples can keep their financial affairs private, unlike a litigated divorce. Couples who mediate are more likely to be satisfied with the outcome and are likely to spend less time and money on their divorce. Couples who mediate often learn tools to handle future conflict, thus avoiding returning to court later on.

While a divorce is traumatic for a family, it does not mean your children cannot adjust and thrive in a re-structured family environment. Your children's coping mechanisms all depend on how the parents interact during the divorce process and beyond. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s research has concluded that “children of divorcing couples do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.” Mediators can help couples through all co-parenting issues such as when to tell the children you are getting a divorce to parenting access schedules to when it is appropriate to introduce significant others to the children and all issues in between. Your children have the opportunity to flourish in an environment in which they witness healthy communication between their parents during the divorce and beyond.

While no divorce is alike, individuals entrenched in toxic divorce litigation usually have this unnerving sense of anxiety and loss of control of the process and their lives at that moment. On the other hand, individuals participating in mediation rarely express these same emotions. Instead, mediation allows the parties to control the agenda, control the pace, and control the outcome. The couple retains power over their lives thus setting the stage for a healthy transition from one stage of life onto another post-divorce.

Mediation can be invoked at any stage of the divorce process even if each is represented by an attorney. A couple may decide to have their attorney present for the mediation or may decide that they will attempt to mediate without their attorney’s assistance. Both are common and accepted practices.

If there are complex financial matters at stake, a mediator will often employ the assistance of a neutral certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) to help the parties navigate financial status, cash flow and net worth of both parties as well as valuable insight into the pros and cons of different proposals and the long term implications. If the couple is struggling with custody and parenting issues, a mediator can collaborate with a neutral clinical psychologist to help the parties understand the needs of the family to reach a resolution that is realistic and healthy for the parents and the children.

Not all mediators are alike. Before you decide on a mediator ask what type of formal mediation training they have participated in. Many states do not require any formal certification to mediate. A well-trained mediator will have participated in a 40-hour training certification and should be a member of one or more professional associations that promote non-adversarial divorce. Mediators should not favor either party nor direct the parties to an agreement based on the mediator’s opinion.

Mediation works because both parties can speak and be heard. Mediation empowers couples to make their own decisions by helping couples maintain positive communication in a professional setting and produces a client generated solution rather than a court dictated order.

Attorney Renée C. Bauer is Principal and Founder of the Bauer Law Group. She is an author, speaker, and peacemaker. This article is taken from Divorce in Connecticut, Addicus Books. The material is copyrighted and may not be reproduced or copied without express permission from Bauer Law Group, LLC.​

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